A couple of weeks (or so) ago, my phone rang. I picked it up to hear a recording of a very excited man congratulating me for winning a trip to Cancun! All I had to do was push 1 to claim my prize.
Now, of course I knew that this was a telemarketing deal and by pushing 1, I was inviting a salesperson to try their best to ram a pricey vacation package down my throat then reach up my ass and pull out a commission.
I had some fun with that guy by pretending to be a complete moron who was jumping up and down, convinced that I was going to Cancun for free. I made it as difficult as possible for the salesman to break the soul-shattering news to my dumb persona by telling him how I'd never won anything in my life and that this was "the best thing that has ever happened to me". When the salesman explained that I hadn't actually won anything, but their promotional deal was "so great it was almost like winning", I made sure to not understand what he meant and prolong the awkwardness for as long as possible.
"Well yeah, but I don't need that promotion though right? Because I won a trip to Cancun!"
"Well Sir, right now we're offering..."
"Are you calling from Cancun? Are you there now? Did you win a contest too?!"
"Well, we're offering to treat you like royalty for a week for one low price and..."
"I've been so sad lately and this just changes my life! I'm literally doing the Snoopy dance right now!" I wasn't.
In the interest of believability, I eventually began to show signs of comprehension caked in bitter disappointment. Although the salesman seemed to believe my reactions were true, he really didn't seem to give a crap that he'd stepped on my smiling face and crushed what I'd claimed to be the greatest moment in my life.
"So... so I didn't win anything?"
"Well, our promotion is so good, it's
like winning." He kept saying that. I'm pretty sure it was written on a piece of paper that was stuck to his cubicle wall with a hunting knife stabbed through it.
"So I... I lose?"
"No Sir, we're ready to offer you $2,500 off of our amazing package right now. It's a great deal and available for a very limited time."
"Well that actually does sound like a great deal. Would I be able to purchase the package from you over the phone with my credit card?"
"Yes Sir, I can do that for you, no problem."
"Would I be able to pay the full amount right away or do I have to pay in payments?"
"Oh no, a full payment is very easy to do. I can arrange that for you right away if you like."
"Oh that's great because I really want to buy this trip. You've definitely made a sale. Well... actually it's
like you've made a sale, but it's really just me telling you to fuck off."
That's where I ended the call. Usually after I've had my fun with telemarketers (remember, it's not a prank call if they call you) I tell them to put me in the
'do not call' list. Apparently, by law, they have to do this. However, I forgot to tell Mr. Cancun to put me on such a list which led to...
THUNT VS CANCUN PART IIToday I got another call from that happy recording, telling me that I'd won a trip to Cancun! ... Again!
I sighed and pressed 1 to claim my prize. Soon I was talking to a lovely lady who asked how I was and began telling me about their amazing vacation deal.
"I won a trip to Cancun!" I interrupted with excitement.
"Actually no, I'm offering you a promotional deal worth $2,500..."
"Can I just have the cash?"
"What? No, it doesn't work that way. For a limited time, you can..."
"This is the second time I won! I mean Jesus Christ, what are the odds, right?"
"You didn't actually win anything." This lady was a bit more truthful about the whole deal.
"I disagree, I won a trip to Cancun. That's what the recording told me. Twice. So can I have both of my prizes converted to cash on one check or do I need to get two separate checks?"
At this point the lady seemed to have decided to play this call by the book. Maybe she thought she was being tested with a weird training call or something, but she refused to do anything other than read from her sales pitches that were no doubt tucked into the three-ring binder in front of her (by the way, I'll bet $50 that there are a minimum of two hearts doodled somewhere on that binder). No matter how bizarre I got, she kept reading her pitches word for word. Sometimes talking right over me. Eventually I got bored and...
"Look, I'll be honest with you. You're company called me up and tried to reel me in with a flimsy lie about winning a contest. It's pretty low." I waited for her response but was met with only silence until...
"The weather in Cancun has been beautiful and so this is a better time than ever to..."
"Are seriously still trying to sell me?"
"Look, this is my job."
"Well your job is lying to people, disappointing them, then using that to squeeze a sale out of them."
Silence.
"Sir, since you're still on the line I can only assume that you are interested in one of our vacation packages. Perhaps I can tell you about..."
At this point something glorious dawned on me and I swear to
GOD that I actually heard angels singing above me as the sun suddenly shone a bit brighter through my window. I had reached telemarketing Nirvana.
"Wait a second," I said "you... you're not allowed to hang up on me are you."
Silence.
"You can save $2,500 on..."
"You can't hang up on me! You have to hard sell me until you either make a sale or I hang up!"
Silence.
"Sir, since you're still on the line I can only assume that you are interested in one of our..."
"BAHAHAHAHA! This is awesome! What should I tell you about? Want me to describe my big toe to you? Because I may be interested in hearing about your Cancun package if you learn all about my big toe. You better not hang up on me because this vacation dealy is starting to sound pretty sweet."
Silence.
"...interested in one of our vacation packages. Perhaps I can tell you about our amazing..."
"Have you ever wondered what would happen if you swished with liquid paper? I always wondered if it'd make a thin, white, rubbery cast of the inside of my mouth."
"...perhaps I can tell you about our amazing package deal which includes..."
This sort of back and forth went on for over ten minutes until she eventually broke her company's rule and hung up the phone. I will remember this telemarketing call as my Magnum Opus of received telemarketing calls. Also, I have a weird urge to plan a trip to Cancun.
As always, thanks for reading.
~Thunt
